


And One More Time

by MeredithBrody



Series: Destiny Era Stories [4]
Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Gen, These Are The Voyages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 10:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Trip's death, Jon thinks back over the loss of his family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And One More Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sokorra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/gifts), [foreveranna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreveranna/gifts), [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts).



There was nothing he hated more than being alone, but the last few years it felt like he was always alone. Even when he was surrounded by others. Somehow it didn’t feel like he was with anyone. There were plenty of people offering their support, but Jon didn’t want any of it. He came down here every night and sat, staring at the lone casket in the room and trying not to let his mind wander. He was rarely successful, and that lead to more pain.

5 years ago he’d held a more symbolic vigil. Every night for months he’d sat hoping for news. Hopelessly trying to contact Columbia and hear Erika’s voice again. Hear her complain about the Romulans damaging her boat and how it would take forever to repair. Apologising for worrying him. The vigil then had been for nothing. Months had passed and nothing had been heard from her, from her ship. Two years earlier they’d been officially declared dead. He’d had to learn to live with that. He still felt Erika’s absence as if not a day had passed.

A week earlier he’d had to face his mortality again, losing someone he loved as much as he loved Erika, only this was someone he loved as a brother. A best friend he could speak to in any situation. They’d been there for each other through too many losses. Trip’s sister, his daughter. Jon’s mother, and Erika. They had never let the other down if they could help it, even now. Trip had saved his life, his ship, and the ceremony he was supposed to attend in a few days, all it had cost was his life. Jon wasn’t sure if it was worth it. Though he was certain Trip would tell him it was.

There were things he wished he could tell them both now. How much he had depended on them both, how proud he had always been of both of them. He wished he could have told Trip that his father would have been proud to have such a dedicated engineer working on his engine, and Jon couldn’t imagine anyone else being in charge of Enterprise’s engine room. He wished he could have told Erika that he didn’t want to waste another minute of his life without her, that she had changed him and his life for the better on more than one occasion. That every moment he’d been graced with her love had been worth it.

_“You know, if one of us died, do you think the other would ever move on?”_ Erika had once innocently asked that question. Way back at the beginning of the war. When they’d been defining their relationship. They both knew they wanted to be together, they’d wanted to be together since the day they met. Nothing had changed despite the 16 years they’d known each other. They’d always fit together, even when they’d fought they’d fit together. It was something he’d always found ironic.

He couldn’t remember what he’d answered back then. It had been so many years earlier, and so much had happened since then. He’d probably made some joke about her having to learn to go on without him. Because never in a million years would he have thought he’d be the one left behind. Erika had always been more cautious than him, and she’d been the calmer one. He could have died any number of ways and left her alone. But he hadn’t, and she’d gone instead. That sometimes still ate at him. Would he have been better prepared to deal with all these losses if he hadn’t convinced himself that they’d all outlive him.

_“I’m serious. It’s a possibility we need to think about.”_ He remembered her saying to him a while later, and he’d continued to tease her, to ignore the question. He was sure of that. He hadn’t wanted to deal with the realities of that possible outcome. He hadn’t wanted to imagine living a life without her, or her moving on without him. Most days he still tried to pretend that was how his life was. That she was still out on a run somewhere, and that she’d come home to him one day. He would never truly be able to move on from her. He had accepted that the day she went missing and he realised how much it hurt to imagine living without her.

It had been easier to ignore her absence up until now, he’d still had his best friend to face it with him. Trip had been beside him. Now he’d lost both of the people who had kept his feet on the ground for the last 20 years, and he had no idea to cope with it. As he stood beside Trip’s coffin he found himself thinking more about Erika, what she’d say to him if she was here. Probably the same things Trip had said to him as he’d waited for news of Columbia. That he needed to be patient, needed to slowly accept the situation for what it was. That he should remember those he loved in his own way.

_“If I die, Jonathan. You just make sure you’re happy. OK.”_ Erika had ended her attempt at a serious conversation. He remembered his response to that statement. He’d told her that happy would be something he’d try for, but that he wouldn’t need too, because she wasn’t going to die. She wasn’t going to leave him to face the universe alone. Not when it was the two of them against it all.

This was probably more than he could handle right now, and the memories of Erika and Trip were both circling around his mind. He didn’t know how to move on, and right now he wasn’t sure how to let anyone else in to help. He knew they all wanted to, everyone on his crew, everyone in Starfleet. But he didn’t know how. Trip’s loss had just shot him back 5 years to Erika’s, and that destroyed him all over again. What would they think of him right now. He hoped somewhere they were together laughing at him. He’d deserve it, he really would, but shaking himself out of this seemed to be harder than he had expected. He took a breath and made a silent promise. _“This time, I’m doing it for you two.”_


End file.
